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March 17th, 2006
01:34 pm - Jedi-box
Just being dorky with Photoshop :P
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November 10th, 2005
03:15 pm
Several years ago, a cat came to my door. Her fur was shaggy, she looked like she hadn’t eaten in days, and she was standing in front of my door, asking to come in. I let her in, and called her Sylvia. A few weeks later, I noticed her stomach was getting bigger, so I took her to the vet and found out she was pregnant. Only one kitten was born, the other three were stillbirths or died due to deformities. I named the cat Sylvester.
The first couple of years of his life, he was sickly in nature. He kept getting ulcers on and around his lips, so I kept taking him to the vet for medication. The doctor believed that he wouldn’t last another year due to his health.
Sylvester grew up to be a healthy cat. The next several years, he did what cats typically do: attack my foot when he felt like playing, bug me during the afternoon when he and Sylvia were hungry, and kept me company when I was working on my Mac. He was passive for the most part and was generally happy.
A few week ago, I heard him hacking. I thought he was throwing up a furball, and when I looked over, he was vomiting blood. I threw him in the carrier, and drove like mad to the emergency hospital. We got there, and I waited for 30 minutes until the doctor came out. His left lung collapsed completely and he had blood going into all of his organs. After 5 minutes, I told her to go ahead and put him to sleep.
I came up to Sylvester, saw him lying there in his oxygen cage. I can visibly see him having a difficult time breathing, and hearing him trying to purr despite the pain. I held his body against my arm as the doctor slowly put him to sleep. I kept saying I was sorry that this happened to him, that one day I will see him again. In the last seconds, he rested his head in my hand.
I drove home. I didn’t go into work that day; my friend who is also my boss understood because he used to work at a vet in college. I drove home without music playing, with clear blue skies above and hardly any traffic on the road. I drove home with an empty cage, and the echoes in my head of the false promises I made to him, saying that he would be okay and that everything would be all right.
I pulled into home, and left the cage in the car. I saw Sylvia, who was sniffing the stains of blood in the carpet. I’m pretty sure she knew what had happened. I cradled her for a while, telling her that her son is gone.
I sat outside, the warm day greeting me. I sat there, trying to absorb what happened that morning. I started to think about him, and all of a sudden…
I heard a ‘meow’.
I looked up, and walking towards me was a thin, gray cat. He trotted up to me, meowing every so often. He came up to me and sat down in front of me. I petted him, reassured him that he is in good company. He looked a little thin, so I went back into the house, and brought out two small bowls of food and water. He ate and drank them while purring, rubbed against my leg a couple of times, and then went back the way he came.
I haven’t seen the cat since, but I think it was someone’s way of telling me that Sylvester is in good hands now.
I miss my special little guy, but I know I’ll see him again.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif) lonely
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September 13th, 2005
12:48 pm - Reflections
PJ sat at the lake, the waters edge tickling her toes that stuck out a little on her sandals. Fall was coming soon, which she wasn’t crazy about because it was that much closer to her birthday. She stared at the gentle waves that were being pushed by the northern wind. Wearing a dull white crocheted sweater that was a size too big, beaten up blue jeans, and her blonde hair hanging down around her shoulders.
She was sad.
A part of her spirit is empty, for earlier in the year, someone close to her left this world. Her grandmother was closer to her than her own mother, and when she passed, it was like someone opened up her chest and took out half her heart. It took her months to come to terms with her passing, but it didn’t make it any easier. Her soul-mate was away in Europe for a month on business, so he wasn’t there to comfort her when the time came, and he regretted it since, and has since then tried his best to make up for it. She told him that it wasn’t his fault, and that just being here for her now is enough.
Her grandmother Adia was a fond lover of animals, especially dolphins. She had gotten a tattoo, in the late forties, of two dolphins close together, almost encircling each other. Adia told her that the dolphins represented her and her soul-mate, but it wasn’t her husband. She told her of someone that came into her life, and touched her in such a way that it changed her perception of what love was. The man was in her life for a few seasons, and never heard from him again. Adia’s husband never knew about the other person, not even when he passed away 12 years ago.
PJ was the only one who knew Adia’s secret; because when she met someone equally wonderful, she was torn between the one she was with then, or to take a leap of faith with this stranger whose voice was like smoke on water. That was when her grandmother confided in her of the story. She listened to her heart, and never regretted looking back.
Now her grandmother was gone. A person that she saw as more than just a family member, but someone who was her best friend, someone that she could trust with her secrets also. Now it’s just her.
She heard a soft crunching sound of feet against sand nearby. Her soul-mate Mitch came up and crouched beside her.
“Adia still on your thoughts?”
A slight smile crept up on her lips. She looked at the mallards in the distance, settling in for the evening. “Yeah, and I hope it never goes away.”
Mitch kissed her gently on the cheeks; “It’s a good kind of persistence. I’ll get you something hot to drink, honey.”
He got up, and made his way over to the lounge.
PJ sat on the beach, her legs scrunched up against her chest, her arms wrapped around her legs for support. She let out a deep sigh….
And a Monarch butterfly landed on her left hand, its wings in an upright position, possibly resting from a long travel. She studied it, and noticed the pattern on the wings.
Two dark shapes that look like dolphins, encircling each other. She leaned a little closer, making sure her contacts weren’t messing with her vision…
The butterfly took flight, not in a random, elliptical pattern, but towards the length of the lake, to the setting sun. Her eyes started to water as she watched it fade away in the distance. Mitch came back, sat behind her and held her.
“How do you feel, PJ? You okay?”
PJ let out a long breath, and after a minute, she replied back with a slightly broken voice, “I feel fine.” She gripped his hand, as they both watched the sun go down.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) calm
Current Music: Something -the Beatles
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10:50 am - After the fall
So 9/11 has come and gone, not that I noticed because it was Grandparents Day that day. So I'd rather celebrate the living than worry about the dead, because they would want us to move on with our lives. We need to take time to appreciate the friends and the small miracles and 'happy accidents' that occur in our lives. Yes, they may be fleeting, but they are memorable.
I always worry about love, but lately, I let love happen. I don't wait for it to come to me, rather I let it happen spontaneously, because that's the best kind of love: one that gets you unexpectedly, like when someone reveals their feelings for you and you see them in a different light, or someone tells you what is in their heart when you least expect it.
We make our luck, rather than artificially create it or carry around a rabbit's foot or a four leaf clover and pray something good might happen. You and I may never win the lottery, we may never be famous, or have a statue erected in our memory. But if someone loves you, and the love you give them is equal to the love you make together, then life is not in vain. Appreciate the fact that I think the world of you, and that I thank God that I met you and you are a part of my life.
*hugs to you all*
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Luke's theme - Star Wars: A New Hope soundtrack
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August 29th, 2005
08:26 am - Wilbury
Got about 2/3 of the house taken care of. Finally got most of the furniture assembled. I'll take pics later to show you all the updates. The home company laid out the lawn in the front and the back so our home doesn't look like its sitting in the middle of Arabia anymore.
Met my best friend Sal and her fiancee Ryan at their home for a housewarming/birthday for Ryan. They have a beautiful lake behind their home, Ryan's entire family came over, and Isabella went on a boat ride with Ryan's dad. I think I got a couple of shades darker from being in the sun for too long.
Still job hunting; I won't give up until something better comes along.
I wrote a positive short story on Digikitten. Been a while since I did one of those.... it's below if you want to read it.
Miss all of you and hope everyone is doing good *hugs and kisses*
" Selective Memory
Droves of people pass by on the sidewalk outside. Early morning in downtown Chicago fails to cheer him up. Usually, he's a happy chap whenever he drops by his favourite breakfast bar and sets himself up with his laptop, buttered cinnamon toast with a smear of jelly and a hot cup of vanilla nut cafe.
But today, actually for the past couple of weeks, he's been withdrawn. Not even consulting his best friend could bring him out of his rut. He stops typing, caught in another spurt of depression, and focuses his attention on the evaporation rising from his cup. He didn't stir the cream he poured in earlier, rather letting motion take care of the blending. Swirls, clouds overpowering the darkness of the java, curly formation, curls, her hair.....
One month ago.
He quits out of his email. Hot tears streaming down his cheeks as he sent off the final email to whom he thought was his long lost soul mate. Over the course of the past five months, she became mute. Not responding to his letters, not returning his phone calls. The only sign that showed that she was alive was that her voicemail was checked every day, or else he would not have been able to leave calls of concern. Which went unanswered anyway.
Finally, on the fourth month, she wrote him. She had decided to move on, didn't want to waste her energy on him. Maybe it wasn't real what they had, maybe the love was mistaken for something else, probably chalk it up to selective memory. Said she probably wasn't what he wanted and to leave it at that.
And that was it.
He wrote her one final email. Told her that she may not have felt what he did, but he knew love like the tingle on the back of your neck when you get scared, the sweat in your palm when you get nervous, the pain in your heart when you know its over. He'd never forget her, but maybe its time that he should. But his heart would always be her, regardless if she wanted it or not.
A honk from the traffic outside reeled him back from his reflection. He glanced around, made sure that no one was ogling him during his drift. He looked up....
and saw a petite blonde, hair flowing from under a french hat, curls dancing in the city wind, and all that he could hear was the beat of his own heart.
The next moment she was gone. The crowd of people walking past each other to make it to their own destinations, the sun peaking through the grey overcast that dominated most of the morning. After a bit of time passed, when the rush of the crowd no longer captivated him, he turned back to his laptop, looked at the screen and noticed an email.
PJ wrote, on 8.20.05: ' Fate always finds a way. Maybe the heart too?'
His heart started to race a bit, his eyes aglow, and he glanced up- - -
and saw her, on the other side of the cafe. Her iBook propped up, her blonde curls sneaking out of her french hat, and a wry smile on her face as she met his gaze.
He smiled, closed his laptop, and made his way over to her....."
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June 22nd, 2005
10:11 am - RTFM!
Argh! I'm being charged $90 for something that I cancelled over a week ago! As a matter of fact, I cancelled the damned thing three times just to drive the point home, and I check my account and it's still charging me! Assholes! >:(
So much for saving money. Maybe I can find a way to stop the transaction, but I doubt it...
I need to start packing, I need to make appointments, get a haircut and a zillion other things that make me tired just thinking about it.
Another dream about Pam last night. I wish there was a pill or medicine I can take to get rid of ex's in my mind.
Sitting here at work, and the last thing I want to do is work.
Dwelling over the past conversations I had with Pam before I let her go, and I know what she did to me. Whenever she has friends or admirers, she puts up a wall so they can't get personal with her (blame her very abusive first marriage). When she met me, I was able to plow down the wall and drive right into her psyche.
Now it's different. She put up a wall against me. It's like coming home from a long trip, only to discover that someone put up a huge brick pillar around your entire home. You know it's there, you can see the roof, you can hear the love inside, but you can't go in anymore, and like Jack London used to say, you can't go home anymore.
Walls are never usually a good solution for whatever bothers you. Because one day, when you let the wall come down, you'll find that there is no one left waiting for you on the other side.
When she lets her wall down, I will be long gone. I feel so sorry for her. C'est la vie, l'amour.
Can't believe I'm almost broke. Well, as long as I can hold out until next Thursday, I should be okay. I'm not fretting just yet.
Belial: Good luck with the wedding tomorrow. My only regret is that I'm not there in person to enjoy it with you
Sherri: yes, I will get you something from Prague. Let me know what you collect (spoons, cups, pictures, etc...).
Nicola: wherever you are, I hope everything is going fine for you.
Miss you all *watches moths fly out of wallet*
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/angry.gif) angry
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May 31st, 2005
08:19 pm - Busy and whatnots
Been trying to keep myself busy, at least that's the plan. Going to work on the basement tonight and clear out a lot of old junk and deadweight that I know we won't take with us to the new home.
I'll hopefully have time to read your story that you posted, Sherri, later this week. Got some more stuff of my own to show you.
I'm so happy for you, Belial! You're moving, and big changes are taking place in your life.
A lot of new things for all of us, I guess.
Salinya and her boyfriend are thinking about finding a home close to where we're going to move to. Soon I won't have to haul my ass an hour down the road to go see her :)
Eva has been moody. Her entire body hurts, she's now suffering from allergies (never had 'em before in her life), and Isabella is going through the Terrible Threes.
BTW, here is a link for the update on the house. When we're ready to move, the web site will be taken down (dunno if Charter Cable is out where we're going to). Hope you like it:
http://webpages.charter.net/jedi2187/home/home.html
The shots are taken every Sunday, and the tentative date to move in is August 12th, but at the rate they're building it - and the entire side of the block!- we'll most likely move in during the last week in July! *jiggles and bounces*
Yes, I can jiggle, even though I'm half Filipino and technically - and genetically- I have no ass, but I can shake it like I gots some!
Current Mood: positive
Current Music: SHeDaISEYS - Passenger Seat
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April 20th, 2005
11:14 am - My day gets better and better....
You are the Death card. Death is a stage in the
cycle of life. Without death, there would be no
room for new things to grow. When you receive
the Death card in a tarot reading, fear not;
Death is only an indication that transformation
is about to occur. Death allows us all to
evolve by removing that which is no longer
needed. The end of one cycle makes way for a
new one. Old behaviours and patterns which have
tied us down are released. Death cleans house
so that we don't have needless drains on our
energy. In Death's ruthless destruction there
lies compassion. Image from: Danielle Sylvie
Taylor
http://members.limitless.org/~morpheum/gallery.html
At least Death is a nice spirit:
Current Mood: gloomy
Current Music: When You Kiss Me-Shania Twain
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April 19th, 2005
01:01 pm - Mind Games
I don't understand.
A few weeks ago, everything was fine between me and her, and now all of a sudden, I'm being treated like a stranger. I can't even get a 'hello' from her. Every time I pop up on chat, she either doesn't respond or she goes away.
Not even an email.
I know that her life is busy, but so is mine. But does that justify what she's doing?
I'm so lost....
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Battle Of The Heroes
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March 24th, 2005
09:50 am - healing
Wow.
Just....wow.
I went on MSN Messenger, and a little while later, Pam popped up. And she never logged off.
So we talked.
Turns out that she is haunted by my thoughts and my love for her.
We're talking again, but this time, I'm taking it slow with her. We still love each other, and she said that she was sorry for all the pain she's caused because we can never be together and for robbing me of my happiness.
I told her that she helped me find happiness in her, and that I love her even if it means never being together ever.
I'll see what the future brings....
Current Mood: serenity
Current Music: Like Lovers Do
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